Aragorn's Ice Cream
by faramiriel
Summary: Aragorn loves his ice cream. But when the Terrible Trio arrives in Minas Tirith with an evil plot to steal the Imperial Ice Cream, will he survive?COMPLETE!
1. Prologue

Title: Aragorn's Ice Cream

Author: Faramiriel

Rating: G

Chapter 1: Prologue

The Fellowship was resting on their couches in the chamber that Galadriel had given them. Most were thinking deep thoughts, grieving for Gandalf, and marveling at Galadriel – but one there was whose mind took a rather lighter turn. Or, that is, lighter to most people who did not think along the same lines as Aragorn. Aragorn was thinking of Ice Cream, and mourning the fact that he had not had a single bite of his delicious frozen cheese since they had set out from Rivendell. He felt that he should go insane with desire if he didn't get some soon. Suddenly he moaned, jumped up, and began pacing violently.

"What is wrong, mellon nin?" asked Legolas.

"I need Ice Cream! I have not had any for weeks. It is terrible! I cannot survive this much longer."

Everyone stared at him blankly.

"Oh, it should not be too difficult to get some Ice Cream in a place like this," Legolas consoled him. "Perhaps we can get some from Galadriel."

"No hope of that," Aragorn said listlessly. "She says I eat to much Ice Cream. She wants me to stop."

"Then…let's get Haldir to pilfer some!"

"Brilliant! Oh, Legolas, if this works, you will have my undying gratitude! Ice Cream, my beautiful frozen cheese, at last!"

Some time later, a tall Elven figure slid almost invisibly into the chamber. Inside, he dropped his hood and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Aragorn!" he hissed. "Here's your Ice Cream." Aragorn squealed and jumped up and down, then opened the first of the Ice Cream and downed it in two minutes flat.

"You better appreciate this, Man," snapped Haldir. "The guards almost caught me. I had to crouch in the pantry for two hours before they left. I am extremely stiff."

"Of course I appreciate it," said Aragorn. "Name whatever you want, and it shall be yours."

"Some of that Ice Cream?" Haldir said hopefully.

"Uh…no can do." Said Aragorn. "Pardon me, I should have said anything but my Ice Cream."

"Surely you aren't going to eat all of that, alone!" Haldir gasped.

"I most certainly am!" Aragorn retorted. Haldir stumbled out to be sick.


	2. Arrival

Title: Aragorn's Ice Cream

Author: Faramiriel

Rating: G

chapter 1: Arrival

Aragorn sat in his royal kitchens, surrounded by various flavors of Ice Cream. At the end of a grueling day of ruling people, the best way to relax his nerves was with a few vats of his delicious frozen cheese.

Suddenly, just as he was reaching his element in Ice Cream, fudge syrup and sprinkles, Arwen rushed in with a look of horror on her face. "Estel, the Terrible Trio has come to Minas Tirith, and from the looks on their faces, they mean no good!"

"The Terrible Trio!" Oh, no!" We must turn them back before they get here!"

"Estel, they already are here!"

Aragorn clad in his pajamas and with Ice Cream all over his face, ran out of his royal kitchens, through the corridors, and finally arrived in his throne room, breathless and annoyed.

"What are you doing here?" He squeaked.

"We have come to give flavor to your life, brother," Elladan announced.

"Why must you give flavor to i my /i life? My Ice Cream does that. Could you find no one else whose life was lacking flavor?"

"There are many to whom we could be of such service, but being our dear brother, we decided you should receive the benefits of our labors," said Elrohir.

"Ruling Men all day must really be very boring," Legolas commented.

"Thank goodness it is not Elves I must rule," said Aragorn.

"I take that as an insult," said Elrohir.

"Good. I am glad to see that at least you are not yet so dense that you cannot recognize an insult, dear brother," said Aragorn.

"I am affronted. We must put a stop to this insolence, my friends," said Elrohir.

"Yes...and I have a plan," said Legolas, in an ominous tone. Aragorn let out a squeal of terror and fled to the safety of his kitchens.

Meanwhile, Legolas and the twins were plotting. Legolas was informing them of the time the Fellowship had stopped in Lothlorien, and they had learned of his love for Ice Cream, or "frozen cheese" as it was sometimes called. The beginnings of an evil plot to deprive Aragorn of his Ice Cream and throw him into a fit that would last for days and from which he might never fully recover was forming in his twisted mind. The problem was how to get the Ice Cream. When Aragorn was not protecting it personally, he had an armed guard placed over it, and the guard knew Aragorn would have his head if anyone dared to touch his imperial Ice Cream.


	3. Wine

It was midnight in Minas Tirith. A heavily cloaked and hooded figure crept stealthily through the dimly lit halls of the castle. He was Legolas, and he was heading for the royal freezers. He knew the freezers would be guarded, but he could easily get rid of them – that is, if the twins didn't make a bish of their part.

"Halt! Who goes there?" A Royal Ice Cream Guard barked.

"Oh, it's just me, an innocent Elf," said Legolas.

"Oh, er, I beg your pardon, Legolas," said the guard. "The King is being especially protective of his ice cream right now, he seems to be suspicious of a plot against him. And those usually include his ice cream. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Actually, I'm looking for someone to come drink some Mirkwood wine with me. It's not as fun drinking it alone, you know. Perhaps you would like to join me?"

The guard sighed wistfully. "I'm afraid that's an impossibility. I would dearly love some Mirkwood wine, but if the King found out…"

"How is the king to find out? Trust me, he will never know."

"But what if something were to happen?"

"Nothing ever really happens, does it?"

"Well… no, I guess it doesn't. I'll join you."

Legolas led the guard to his chamber. This would be a long process, but it would be worth it to make Aragorn insane. His love for ice cream had grown over the years, and hardly a day passed that he did not end with Ice Cream. This was going to be fun.

Legolas had already mixed much of the wind with a strong sleeping potion to quicken its effects. When guard number one was asleep, he went back and repeated the process with the rest of the guards, until only one remained. This last one proved the hardest to convince. To Legolas it seemed like hours before he was leading him away.

Now he was done. He could only hope that the twins would do their part well.

**CRASH!**

They didn't. The guard turned, then ran back to the freezers.

Legolas hesitated. Should he go back and help the twins with the guard? He soon thought better of it, and hurried to remove the sleeping guards. If Elladan and Elrohir somehow managed to get out of this, he couldn't have the incriminating evidence lying all over his floor.

When the guard unlocked the door to the room full of freezers, he was met by an intriguing sight. Two Elves lying on the floor beneath a window in a tangled heap is a sight. If the had been clumsy men, this would not have been surprising, but graceful Elves…?

And what was more astounding was that these Elves were wearing fluffy pink nightgowns and had faces paint like those of girls.

The guard was petrified.

Then the interesting Elves started screaming "Legolas! Legolas! Where are you when we need you? Don't desert us now! Legolas!"

Finally the guard came out of his reverie and moved toward the Elves, but they also went into action, throwing a carton of ice cream at his head, where it stuck, and fleeing through the window.

Those who were still awake at that late hour were rewarded by the sight of two Elves in fluffy pink nightgowns running wildly through the streets; and in the castle, and in the castle, a Royal Ice Cream Guard stumbling into walls with the Imperial Ice Cream still serving him as a hat.


	4. Meanwhile, in Ithilien

Chapter 3: Meanwhile, in Ithilien…

For their own good, the Imperial Ice Cream guards kept quiet about this little incident, as they knew very well that if Aragorn knew they had abandoned their posts, he would first skin them alive, then spit them, roast them over a slow fire, and finally serve them for dinner. So all that Aragorn ever heard was that the twins, in fluffy pink nightgowns, had been seen running through the streets late at night. Being high on Ice Cream, and having a vivid imagination, this was enough to send him into a fit of laughter which caused him to withdraw from society for several hours until he regained his composure.

hr 

Meanwhile in Ithilien, Faramir and Eowyn were receiving a visit from the King of Rohan. Eowyn, of course, knew better than to believe that his reasons for being there were altogether innocent, and told him so.

"I know why you're here, Eomer."

"Of course you do. I told you."

"Did you really expect me to believe that you missed me?"

"Why, of course I missed you! Why shouldn't I miss you?"

"Well, perhaps, but you have other motives. I know you do."

"And what, pray tell, do you believe my motives to be?"

"It is obvious. What do you always come to do? You are here to torment the King."

"Why should I wish to torment the King? I do not understand."

"I don't know why you wish to, but you do. I know you. It is your chief delight in life. If you are not careful, you will be starting a war! And at a time like this, when those horrible Elves are already here, making him miserable. Why now, of all times?"

"Legolas and the Twins? Oh my. I have just remembered that I have urgent business in Minas Tirith. I must see them at once, while they remain in the city! Come on, Eowyn, don't you want to help me? You're no fun any more. But you'll come round, when you see how much fun I'm having. Gotta go!"

Oops.

TBC

R&R, please

That's kind of retarded actually. If you're down here you've already read it, so don't R&R.

R!


	5. Persuasion

Over the next several weeks, Eomer worked underground with the Terrible Trio, making complicated plans of attack that all came to naught.

Eowyn watched all this with considerable disapprobation, but when the day came that the plotters finally came up with a feasible idea, she couldn't help being interested, in spite of herself. However, it still cost Eomer some effort in exercising his manifold powers of persuasion to convince her to throw in her lot with them.

"But Eowyn, we need you!"

"I'm sure you could muddle along quite well enough without me."

"But we don't want to muddle, we want to be magnificent!"

"I am glad you think me magnificent. For I am. But you are a king. You should be magnificent without any help from me."

"But Eowyn, you know the palace!"

"So do you."

"But not as well as you do!"

"You wouldn't get lost."

"Besides, the King likes you."

"I thought you were supposed to be his best friend."

"But I won't be, after this!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"That is a very good point."

"So. You have not come up with one good reason yet why I should help you."

"Well, you know it would be a lot more fun than sitting around with that boring husband of yours."

"Faramir is not boring. He is quite interesting. And he is far more intelligent than you can even imagine."

"Yeah, right. You know you'd have a lot more fun with a husband like me!"

"Ew, Eomer, that's disgusting!"

"I didn't mean me, myself, I just said someone like me!"

"Good. I'm relieved."

"Eowyn, wouldn't you love to see the King's face when he realizes we've outsmarted him at last?"

Well...you do have a point there."

"See, you'll have a lot of fun with us!"

"Well...it would be refreshing."

"Yes! It would! Eowyn, you deserve a break from your husband!"

"Well, fine. But one more remark about my husband and it's all off. And you'll be dead into the bargain."

"All right, great! I've gotten the better of Fara - I mean Aragorn, at last! Hooray!"

"You are the most immature king I have ever seen or heard tell of, Eomer."

"I'll take that as a compliment. Toodles!"


	6. Oh, Rats!

Although conceivable, The Plan would involve a lot of work; but the four plotters were ready for anything that would drive Aragorn insane. Eowyn, however, wasn't quite up to it, so they decided to give her a different part, which, they discovered, would be invaluable and save themselves a lot of work.

"Ok, Eowyn, you get to start The Plan in motion." Eomer told her, when she complained that they were going to far too much trouble just to make a king mad.

"And what am I going to have to do?" Eowyn asked suspiciously.

"You can lure the guards off with your beauty!" said Eomer.

"How am I going to do that?" asked Eowyn.

"Oh, it'll be easy!" said Legolas. All you have to do is walk down there flaunting your beauty, say 'Betcha can't catch me!' and run away! They're sure to follow you.

"All of them? Are you sure?"

"Of course! Now you know your part, we can go on and work on The Plan. Eomer, where are the rats?"

"The rats? Oh, they're hidden in a closet. I'll go get them. Ok here they are. You all know the plan. Go get the oil, the fishing line, the boards, and let's get going!"

hr 

The 5 plotters snuck along the passageways, tripping over each other and making rather more noise than was preferable. Eowyn still didn't feel too good about it, but she walked confidently in the direction where she knew the guards would be lurking.

Sure enough, as she reached the spot, 2 guards leaped out from hiding, blocking her way. "What is your business here?" One snapped. Eowyn smiled charmingly and disarmingly.

"I said, what are you doing here?" Repeated the guard.

"Mmm…nothing much." Eowyn replied.

"Well, go away. You're not supposed to be here."

The other guard, one of Eowyn's many secret admirers, glared at his companion. Eowyn noticed this with pleasure; it would make her job even easier. She walked on.

"Stop! Stop!" shouted the guard. "Stop, or you're under arrest!"

Eowyn stopped, walked on a couple more steps, then turned around and ran the other way, calling back over her shoulder, "Betcha can't catch me!"

It worked. The guards fell for it, and became so absorbed in the chase that they did not notice the twins, pressed flat against the wall as they streaked by.

hr 

Elladan and Elrohir worked quickly to construct the tripline and pour oil all over the floor. Then they strung up some boards and various other implements to fall from the ceiling and create a barricade when activated by another fishing line. Now their part was done. The Plan could finally come to its fruition.

All that remained was…The Rats! Eomer and Legolas had waited the previously determined time, and hoped that the Twins had finished. They released the rats through the window into the guardroom. Instantly there was chaos. Guards were running, shouting, and trying to catch the rats. Annabelle led the rats out the door and down the hall, and the guards followed the rats. Eomer chased after them to activate the barricade, while Legolas handed all the Ice Cream out the window to the Twins, who had returned with a cart. As the guards screamed and shouted curses down upon them, the five plotters, together again, were wheeling the cart away.


	7. The Great Ice Cream War

Chapter 6: The Great Ice Cream War

Aragorn listened to the guards' stammering report in silence, but his eyebrows were drawing closer and closer together in an expression of boundless rage.

"Your majesty, there was nothing we could do! How were we to know it was a trick?"

"It should have been obvious. I need to find some intelligent guards. You're fired. All of you."

"Yes, your majesty." The guards inwardly exulted.

"Now, this is war!" said Aragorn.

So it was that a week later the armies of Gondor and Rohan met. The three Elves had anticipated this, and had fled the country long ago. They were nowhere to be found. But Eomer had been the brain behind it all, and Aragorn was quite content to destroy only him. Eowyn felt duty bound to fight for Eomer, but she didn't particularly want to. Faramir was put out.

The Great Ice Cream War had begun.

Of course, no one really wanted anybody to get hurt, so all were armed with squirt guns. Eowyn said to Eomer, "I told you you would start a war."

"So you did, so you did. Great fun, isn't it?"

Faramir called to Eowyn, "How could you do this to me?"

"Don't get distracted, Faramir!" Faramir got a mouthful of water.

"Ew Eowyn, what did you put in the water? It's awful!"

"None of your business."

"Is it poisonous?"

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't."

"Come on, just tell me!"

"Nope! Then you would get scared and run away. I wouldn't want to do that to you!"

Whereupon Faramir got scared and ran away.

Eowyn was soaked and thoroughly enjoying herself, as it was a very hot day. Unfortunately, the heat didn't last. Heavy storm clouds were rolling in.

The storm broke. Soon, everyone was shivering and sneezing.

"Aragorn, we're all going to get hypothermia and die! Give it up!" Called Eomer.

"Release the prisoners, and the war will be ended.!"

"NEVER!!!"

"All right then, the war goes on!"

"Oh, very well. Bring forth the prisoners."

Many tall glasses containing something unfamiliar were escorted to Aragorn.

"What's that?" asked Aragorn. "It doesn't look like ice cream! Give me my Ice Cream!!!"

"It is your ice cream!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is! Lord Aragorn, may I present to you a very clever new invention – quite tasty too –

THE MILKSHAKE!"

The end


End file.
